Conservativa

[Note for the humor-impaired - the following article is satire].

Shock is spreading today and some of Virginia’s finest institutions of higher education are in chaos as their accreditation is threatened by revelations that most of their Political Science departments don’t have any political scientists. At least one departmental secretary at the College of William and Mary has gone into hiding. A family spokesman says, “Up until now the Department was able to keep its secret pretty well. Once every couple of years or so a reporter would call the department to speak to one of our ‘political scientists’ asking for a quotation for an article. The secretaries would just say that all of our ‘professors’ were either in class teaching or off at a conference. We have never had a reporter follow through.”

One high-ranking ODU official who wished to remain anonymous “if I want to keep my job,” said “It’s actually a great money-saver for the university. We’re pretty happy with the system.”

UVa admitted the scope of the problem but was quick to point out, “We have Virginia’s only political scientist right here - Larry Sabato.” VCU issued a strong protest, noting that they have Virginia’s other political science professor, Dr. Bob Holsworth.

The issue came to light when a Liberty University journalism major, Ellie Mae Junie Petty, decided to write a round-up article soliciting opinions from Virginia’s leading political scientists about the November 6 election in Virginia, in which every seat in the House of Delegates and Senate will be decided. “I went looking for political science professors outside Liberty to quote for my article. Of course I knew about Larry Sabato, but I wanted some diversity of opinion, because, you know, diversity is good. So I started calling around to other Virginia colleges and universities, to speak to some other political scientists. I must have made a hundred calls and left a lot of messages. No one called back, no one.”

Petty nervously turns her cell phone over and over in her hand. “So I got in my car and started driving to some of these campuses. I would just stroll into the PoliSci departments. You would see the departmental secretary, and a few graduate students, but every office belonging to a “professor” was locked. There would be the door, covered with yellowing Doonesbury comic strips, and a nameplate with the professor’s name, but in two cases, I saw dust coating the top of the doorknob. How could that be? Especially at state schools, aren’t parents paying tax dollars and tuition for what they think are complete PoliSci departments?”

Contacted for this article, Larry Sabato issued a statement saying, “I’m here and have always been very responsive to any reporters who call for a quotation. If the reporter is really old-school and claims to want another opinion, there’s that other guy from, um, I forget, but there’s that other guy. I can’t imagine what Miss Petty’s problem is. She should be grateful I answer reporters the way I do. Political trends are not discernible except by trained professionals like me. Thus it is right that I should be the sole source of such information for reporters. Do you know how much work I save them? A lot, I can tell you. That frees up their time to get back to the important business of bashing the President.”

What will become of the article Petty intended to write? “I don’t know,” she says. “I wanted to hear some in-depth analysis [of the upcoming election] from a bunch of different political thinkers on our campuses. I guess that won’t be possible. But it’s too bad, because this election is really important, and people aren’t paying much attention. Maybe some fresh ideas would get them thinking.”

[Another note for the humor-impaired - the preceding article is meant to poke a stick at those newspaper reporters who are lazy - not at universities or political scientists. Mm-kay?]